History of Kellie Sue Westra

 History of Kellie Sue Westra 

           

Our sixth child was due on Easter Sunday, April 15, 1979. We were hoping for a little girl to even out our family--3 boys and 3 girls.

We spent most of the day at Burgener's for an Easter buffet dinner, and we saw Sharon and Kent's new little baby boy Ryan who had been born on April first--April Fools Day. When they had called about Ryan's birth, we all thought it was just a joke because he was born a month early.

After returning home that evening, there were signs that led us to believe that our baby's birth might be soon. So we straightened the house and I finished packing my suitcase. We went to bed fully expecting to go to the hospital before morning, but we didn't. I started in labor about 8:30 a.m. Monday. Since I was quite sure the baby was in a posterior position and would take a longer time (as Shane did), we decided to try to wait until close to midnight before going to the hospital to avoid paying for another day just for a short time. We woke Scott (age 15) to tell him we were going and had him come upstairs to our bed so he could better hear the other children if they awakened. We told him we were sure Dad would be back home before time to get the children ready for school. We left home about 11:30 p.m.

As we were walking toward the emergency entrance of St. Marks Hospital (which you have to use at night), my O.B., Dr. Bryant Brown, was just coming out to the parking lot. I said, "And just where does my doctor think he's going?" He said, "Well, nowhere, I guess." So he told us to go ahead upstairs and he would join us in a few minutes.

The labor was worse than most of the other children because of the baby's position. They didn't want to give me pain medication for fear of slowing things down even more. Then things moved very quickly at the end! She was born at 3:05 a.m. Tues. morning, April 17.

I was very glad when it was over! We were delighted the baby was a girl--and had so much hair--like Wendy had. She had the cord around her neck as Shane had, but was fine. She was smaller than we had anticipated--just 6 lbs. 3 oz. Our smallest child. But I was glad. When babies are as big as Shane was, you don't get to enjoy a tiny baby very long.

I enjoyed my hospital stay and was much more comfortable than after some of our children's births.

Burgeners came to visit Tuesday night and brought Kellie Sue a beautiful pink crib blanket and baby book. Lucille Burgener had tended the kids during the day and fixed dinner for them so LaMar could get some sleep.

LaMar also brought Wendy (almost 11), Jenny (8 1/2), and Shane (almost 3) to see their new baby sister. Scott (15) and Chris (12 1/2) were at M.I.A. The kids were so delighted with her. Then LaMar brought Scott and Chris Wed. night to see her. Scott took three pictures of her through the nursery window, which we are now very thankful to have.

My parents tended the kids Wed. and came to visit the baby that afternoon. They gave her a little pink dress and pink stretch suit.

Merrill and Lorrie and their kids also came to visit her at the hospital since they were leaving for a California vacation on Friday.

When our pediatrician examined her the morning she was born, he told us she had a heart murmur. He said it could be from several causes, most of them not serious, and that murmurs were quite common. He did have a pediatric heart specialist look at her and they did an EKG and took x-rays. He said he really couldn't tell anything from the tests. So we didn't worry.

When we left the hospital Friday, our pediatrician said we'd just have to wait and keep an eye on her and to bring her in for a check-up in a week. So I made an appt. for Thurs. morning. He said some danger signs to watch for might be a sudden change in appetite or if she became a dusky color. But he really didn't seem to expect any problems and neither did we.

We brought our little angel home and enjoyed her for 4 days. She was such a beautiful baby, prettier every day--so each day I thought, tomorrow we'll get some pictures taken. She was so good too, never fussy. Friends brought in dinner every night, so a few people got to see her. I couldn't wait to go to church and show off our little doll.

Jenny was the one who wanted to hold her the most. Scott had a bad cold, so I kept him away from her.

I thought it was odd that she had so many dry diapers and didn't seem to wet much, but I didn't know that was a danger signal too.

On Tues. afternoon, when she was one week old, I became worried when she didn't want to nurse and I knew she should be hungry. She also was quite fussy for the first time. I was worried, but didn't know if I was just being over anxious or if it was my imagination that she seemed pale to me. A friend brought in dinner, but I couldn't eat. I started crying and told LaMar I was afraid something was wrong.

He called our pediatrician at home since he is a friend of ours and we knew it was his day off. This was about 6 p.m. His wife said he was off with the scouts until 8 or 9 p.m. and couldn't be reached. We debated whether to call another doctor who was on call or wait for Steve to get back. Then we decided to call my friend Alana Lewis, who is an R.N. and has worked for years with newborn babies. So LaMar called and asked if she would come over and look at Kellie. She had started making a funny little noise when she breathed and was getting a little blue around the mouth.

Alana knew immediately that she was in trouble and called the doctor on call and explained the situation. He called Primary Children's Hospital to expect us, and we left immediately—I asked Alana to come with us.

Soon after we arrived, Kellie went into heart failure. The heart team worked on her for a couple of hours and called in the best specialist, Dr. George Veasy. They told us she was in very bad shape, but not to give up hope.

We had Alana call the folks and her husband called the Bishop. Bishop Harry Peckham arrived just as they were taking her upstairs to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit.

There was a hallway alongside the Intensive Care Unit with windows every few feet. So we could stand by the window and watch them work on her. By that time my parents had come to the hospital and a little later a counselor in the Bishopric and his wife (our neighbors) had come to be with us too.

They used the ultra-sound machine on her little heart to make the diagnosis. Then the doctor came out to talk to us and told us that part of her heart had not formed--2 valves were missing and the left chamber was practically non-existent and there was really no way she could live short of a miracle. He said that even if there was an operation or something to correct this problem (which there was not), that by this time her kidneys and liver were ruined by the lack of normal blood flow to them. He said he was quite positive of the diagnosis, and that the only way to be more sure would be to do a heart catheterization, and in her condition, it would kill her.

The Bishop, my dad, LaMar, and Bill Monson finally were able to go in and administer to her and give her a name and blessing. Then the Monsons, Alana, and the Bishop left. I think it was around 11:30 p.m. by this time.

Dr. Veasy took us and my parents to his office and drew diagrams to show us just what was wrong with Kellie's heart. He said she would probably not last the night.

My parents went to our house to be with the kids. LaMar and I went into the parents lounge by the ICU and we both fell asleep from sheer exhaustion until 3 a.m. Then we walked down to look in her window again. The nurse in charge of Kellie came out and asked us if we knew that we could scrub up, put on a hospital gown, and come in by her and even hold her. We said that no, no one had told us that.

So we went in and caressed our poor little darling. She was covered with bruises from all the needles and tests, and had an IV in her head, tubes in her mouth and nose, and monitors attached to her abdomen. She was hooked up to all these machines which registered her vital signs, etc.

They pulled a rocking chair up real close and put a couple of blankets in my lap. Then they carefully lifted her into my arms which was no easy feat with all the tubes and wires connected to her, and wrapped the blankets around her as best they could. I held and rocked her for 2 hours until 5 a.m. Then we went back to the lounge for awhile. While I was holding her, they put a box of kleenex by me, and I just rocked and cried and rocked and cried.

Later in the morning I held her again for a few minutes, but then Dr. Veasy came and they put her back for him to check her. He was surprised to find her still alive. Her vital signs were up somewhat from the night before. He looked surprised and said, "I'm scared to death, but let's go ahead with the heart catheterization, just in case we can find out something else to help us."

Hope surged within me and I thought maybe our miracle had happened. First he ordered an x-ray and another ultra-sound test. After he checked them, he said her heart had enlarged still more during the night and the ultra-sound confirmed his original diagnosis. So he said he was changing his mind about the catheterization--that it would just add to our expense and he would feel terrible having her die under his hand. He apologized for giving us any false hope and said we'd just have to wait for the inevitable. I felt just terrible having her death sentence passed all over again.

LaMar's mom came up on the bus to be with us and with little Kellie for awhile. She went in with us and I held Kellie again for a couple of hours, until about l:30 p.m., again using up a box of kleenex. A social worker came and sat with us for about an hour, talking if we wanted to talk, just sitting there if we didn't. Since we hadn't eaten anything, he insisted on bringing us some juice and a sandwich, although I felt I could never be hungry again.

LaMar took Lucille to the bus stop, and soon I had them put the baby back. I was so worn out I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. Of course I was very uncomfortable too since I had been breast-feeding Kellie.

When one of the nurses learned we hadn't taken any pictures the 4 days we had her home, she took 2 polaroid pictures of her there. All the hospital personnel were so kind to us and did everything they could to make it easier.

My friend Liz Long called my mother at our house and told her that so many people and their children knew of the prognosis, that she was afraid our other children weren't really aware of the seriousness of the situation and that they were going to hear it from someone else first. So my mother called us to say they were taking the other children out of school (Scott had stayed home that day) and were bringing them to see their little sister one last time. The nurses had said that it might be a good idea--that even though it would be traumatic for them to see her like that with all the tubes and such, it would help make the transition in their minds for them to see her so sick. The Monsons came back up also. My folks left Shane with a neighbor. My nurse friend talked to them and tried to prepare them as to what to expect.

I think they came around 3 p.m. Wed. with the kids. First they looked at her through the window. Then Wendy and Jenny put on gowns and came in and touched her and I talked to them about her. Chris felt somewhat ill. Finally Scott did come in when I told him it was his last chance to touch her and say good-bye. Jenny shed a few tears and felt a little ill also.

Then the folks took the children back home. Then the doctor approached us to see how we felt about taking little Kellie off the respirator. He said he was concerned about us now and how much more we could take, as well as just prolonging it for Kellie. I had the impression that the respirator wasn't making the whole difference, but just making it a little easier for her to breathe. So we said yes, go ahead and do it, rather than prolong the inevitable.

I sat in the rocking chair, and they put her in my arms. They unhooked the respirator and she was gone in about 5 minutes. Oh, it was so hard. The monitor that registered her heartbeat was like a digital clock and it was so horrible to watch it drop from l40 to 80 to 50 to 20, as she got bluer and bluer. I just wanted to shout, please put her back on the respirator, but I knew it was useless.

When she was gone, they removed all the tubes and wires and let us take her to a private office to be with her as long as we wanted. But I found I didn't really need to hold her then--it just wasn't the same without her spirit there. LaMar held her a little while.

The doctor and one of the nurses came in and talked to us a few minutes. Dr. Veasy called our pediatrician and my obstetrician to tell them. They took the baby away. They gave me a tranquilizer and we left the hospital. Monsons were still there waiting to comfort us and offered to drive us home. As we were walking to the parking lot, we met the 3 fellows in LaMar's carpool coming toward the hospital to visit us, and had to tell them our sad news.

I think it was around 5:30 p.m. when we arrived home. I had sent Kellie's clothes and pink blanket home with Mother and told her to please put away the bassinet and all the baby things before we got home. The Bishop was there waiting for us. We all knelt in prayer and asked that the Lord's peace and comfort might be with us.

We hoped that the worst was over, but I worried how we would hold up during the next few days until we got the burial over with.

We were physically and emotionally exhausted. Our pediatrician and his wife came over for a short visit, then we went to bed. We slept deeply until about 5 a.m., then had a little trouble with our thoughts and memories.

After getting the children off to school Thursday morning, we left Shane with a neighbor and went to the mortuary to make arrangements. (It was a little ironic that we had just purchased some burial plots a month or two before from our next-door neighbor--never dreaming we would need them). At the mortuary, they made out the obituary notice for us and called it in to the newspaper. It would be in that evening's Deseret News and the next morning's Tribune. Then we went to the cemetery to make arrangements there. They took us for a walk out on the grounds and showed us where they had recently planted several new little pine trees. We picked a spot by one of the little pines. Then we chose the headstone. I held up much better than I expected during all this.

We went home, fed Shane lunch, then went to get Kellie's burial dress. We got a beautiful little white one from an acquaintance of Lucille's that sold them. Karen Burgener gave us some little white booties and Lucille gave us some white ribbon for a little bow for her hair.

Beautiful floral arrangements were delivered all day long. We were really surprised by all the flowers, cards, visits, and phone calls, and food. The support of our friends and family was marvelous. While it was tiring and emotionally hard to handle the calls and visits, it was still wonderful to know people cared about us so much. I've really tried to talk out my feelings through this whole ordeal instead of holding them in like I usually do, and I think this has helped.

Friday LaMar took the clothing to the mortuary, then went to work for a while. He came home early and we went to the mortuary to see how they'd been able to fix her up and to take some pictures. We were concerned because they'd had to shave part of her hair off for the IV's and tests. We hoped she would look okay for the viewing.

My dad picked up Wendy, Jenny, and Shane and took them to their house for dinner, bath and shampoos, and to spend Fri. night. That helped a lot since I still felt very tired all the time. Then Dad brought them home around 8 a.m. Saturday morning, so they could get ready and I could curl their hair.

We had arranged for a viewing at 10 a.m. at the building at the cemetery, then a graveside service at 11 a.m. A counselor in the R.S., Dorothy Seely, came over at 9:30 to tend Shane and be at the house.

I was very worried about the effect on the children when they saw her in the little casket. I knew it would help LaMar and I to handle Sat. having seen her the evening before at the mortuary. But the other kids had not wanted to go with us then. But they handled it very well and didn't seem too disturbed. As we had left the house Jenny had found a tiny plastic basket of little artificial flowers that had been on a birthday cake one time. She asked if she could bring it for Kellie's grave. Then when she saw Kellie, she asked if she could put the handle of the basket in her little hand. So we let her--it looked rather sweet. I thought it would be a small graveside service, and was so surprised when over 100 people came to the cemetery for the short service.

Tammy Sollis, a friend of ours who had lost her first child, after bringing him home from the hospital, gave me this poem that we had someone read at the graveside service:

A Child of Mine by Edgar A. Guest

I will lend you, for a little time,

A child of mine, He said.

For you to love the while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or three.

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,

And should his stay be brief.

You'll have his lovely memories,

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there,

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over,

In search for teachers true.

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labour vain.

Nor hate me when I come

To take him home again?

I fancied that I heard them say,

'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'

For all the joys Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him,

Much sooner than we've planned.

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand.